I'm Baaaack!

Well, it took long enough but I'm finally back. And dammit I'm gonna write stuff!
I've decided I'm really going to post about whatever I want this time. Movies, celebs, projects I do around the house...if I cook something extra awesome, y'all are going to know about it. An outfit I deem worthy of sharing? Yep- you're gonna see it. Isn't this what I was doing before? Well, yes and no. I had a level of self-censorship that we all have but mine became a too suffocating after a while. No more of that! Basically it comes down to this: new state, new life, revised outlook on writing. Yay!

Live Blog! 84th Annual Academy Awards

10:40
And that's our show!  This was so much fun!  Aside from Sacha Baron Cohen soiling Seacrest's jacket on the red carpet this was a pretty tame affair, which was probably good for my first rodeo.  I can't wait to do this again now that I have some idea of what I'm doing.  Thank you so much for playing the at home version along with me!

10:36
Aw!  Uggie even looks happy!  

10:35
THE ARTIST!!!!

10:34
And I positively ADORED The Artist so it's screwed, too.

10:34
I LOVED Midnight in Paris and The Help.  Which probably means neither will win.

10:32
Best Picture!  What will it be?  Tom Cruise, who looks much less old lesbianish, is going to tell us!

10:28
Meryl was great, but she's always great.  She wasn't better than Viola & Roons, though.

10:26
Rooney Mara- or "Roons" as I now know to call her- was Lisbeth Salander.  She completely immersed herself in that role.

10:25
Viola Davis's performance made me laugh and broke my heart all at the same time.  

10:24
MR. DARCY!!!!  

10:22
I have thoroughly enjoyed Ellen's JC Penney commercials.

10:20
Uh-oh!  I think Keyboard Karl is in some pain, y'all.

10:19
Anyone else love how he says "Douglas Fairbanks"?

10:16
YAYYY!!! Jean Dujardin wins!!  You handsome devil, you deserved it!

10:15
Natalie, stop clapping into the microphone, sweetie.

10:09
It's Clooney versus Pitt!

10:08
See?!  Movies & Diet Coke go together like peas & carrots!

10:07
What?  No- I just have something in my eye...

10:04
Oh Elizabeth.  The world was a little bit more beautiful with you in it.

10:03
It's now time for the "Here Are All the Newest Dead People" montage. 

9:58
Bry: "Let James Earl Jones say something!"

9:58
She remembered her glasses.  Damn.

9:55
Do we think Meryl is going to say "Shit!" again?!  Place yer bets!

9:53
The Artist is cleaning up tonight! (as well it should)  Would've been fun to yell "SCORSESE!" again, though.

9:50
Gordon Gekko, you've still got it.

9:44
B-ry and I both very much want to see Saving Face now.  

9:42
SCORSESE!

9:40
This is the cutest, sweetest father daughter pair ever!

9:40
All of the Bridesmaids ladies look lovely!  Wiig's dress would've looked better in a different color, though

9:30
Midnight in Paris was amazing so I'm sort of ok with that.

9:29
Come on Kristen Wiig & Annie Mumolo!

9:26
I love the awards for best screenplay!  Without writers, no one in that theater would have a job.

9:24
I'm not a huge Angie fan but she looks pretty hot.  Sticking out the leg was a bit much, though.  We know your dress has a slit.  We don't need to see your ladybusiness.

9:16
Will & Zach- you are two of the wackiest waiters I've ever seen!

9:13
Penelope looks so pretty! 

9:06
This Oikos commercial bugs me.  Who the hells brings yogurt as a hostess gift?!

9:04
Ladies and gentlemen, Keyboard Karl and the Balcony Band!

9:01
Captain Von Trapp FTW!  Good for him!  It's a long time coming.  

8:59
I'm happy for him if he's happy, but I still miss chubby Jonah Hill.

8:58
Ooo!  I like Melissa Leo!  She said a dirty word last year when she won!

8:55
I still can't believe Real Steel did so well. Who'd have thought anyone would like a feature-length film based on Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?

8:52
Sweet LORD I want Melissa McCarthy's shoes!  Not so much Emma Stone's dress.  Didn't like it when Nicole Kidman wore it a few years ago & I don't care for it now.  She looks like a kitten.

8:44
And we have shut up music!

8:43
Gwynnie, Gwynnie, Gwynnie.  We need to talk about your ponytail.  Your dress is lovely.  You hair is not. 

8:39
Captain Von Trapp looked like he'd enjoy punching Crystal in the neck after that age crack.  You don't screw with Captain Von Trapp.

8:38
My only complaint- what was up with the random cigarette girl doing a handstand on someone's seat?

8:36
THIS IS A GIANT BOTTLE OF AWESOMESAUCE!

8:34
I'd shank Miss Piggy for her necklace & headband/tiara.  Seriously.  I would.

8:31
I'm hoping this Cirque Du Soleil performance will be a giant bottle of awesomsauce.

8:25
I love that the editing guys called Rooney Mara "The Roons" then said "Eh, let's get outta here.  We're editors."  But mainly the "Roons" part.  I may change my name to "Roons."

8:21
"The Good Witch is a cruel jokester!"

8:14
Now there a chick with a violin in up in the box keep Drum Chick company?  What the hell is going on in that theater?

8:13
Don't give her the shut-up music!

8:11
YES!!!  Octavia Spencer!  I adore her.  She was amazing in The Help.  I think I'm in love.

8:10
Jessica Chastain + Octavia Spencer = Best Onscreen Duo in Ages

8:07
Raise your hand if you saw any of the nominees for Best Foreign Language Film!  Yeah, me neither.

8:05
Did we all just see that lady in the audience doing that weird thing with her teeth?!

8:00
I am really digging the Old Hollywood vibe they've got going tonight!  Lots of reflection about "the good old days" of movie-going (I'm sure as a direct result of the ease & popularity of streaming video content now onto electronic devices) and Old Hollywood-influences in dresses, hair and accessories.  I'm sure the popularity of The Artist had a great deal to do with that.  Whatever the reason, me likey!

7:58
Girls, you so crazy!

7:55
Costume design- tough choice! But The Artist was my personal favorite (which should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me) That seems like a really fun job.

7:53
Cameron Diaz looks awesome! La Lopez...eh.

7:46
I'm confused- why is there a chick playing drums up in one of the boxes?  That seems odd for several reasons.  Those seats could have gone to someone.  Like me.  WASTEFULNESS THY NAME IS OSCAR.

7:43
Robert Richardson (winner for Best Cinematography for Hugo) needs some deep conditioner.  But he keeps it short and sweet.

7:41
Tom Hanks is our first presenter and WHAT THE HELL IS ON HIS FACE?! Ew.

7:37
Okay, Jean Dujardin is just so stupidly, ridiculously handsome.  He was perfectly cast in The Artist. 

7:33
Tom Cruise really is starting to look like an old lesbian.

7:30
Morgan Freeman welcomes us and introduces the show.  This opening montage would be better with less Bieber and more Morgan Freeman clips from his Electric Company days.

Thanks for joining me! Here we go!

Oscar Night!

Well, I am so excited!  I love (beautiful) clothes, I love make up, I love sparkly things, I love movies and one night a year they all come together in one perfect storm of awesomeness- Oscar Night.  So I've decided to try my hand at live blogging the festivities. 

Since this is my first time doing this, I'm sure there will be some kinks and I'm sure the typos will be plentiful but that's all part of the fun.  I'll meet you back here at 7:30 CST, 'kay?!  'Kay!

Thiwanks!

According to the guy working at Jack in the Box (shut up) this is how my name is spelled:

Happiwy Wednesiwday!

I Suspect Nargles Are Behind It

B-ry received the Harry Potter DVD box set for Christmas from my mom.  This pleased both of us a great deal.  As a result, we've been having Harry Potter marathons.  I have to say, my two absolute favorite characters are Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom (also, Mrs. Weasley is THE SHIZZ).  Therefore, the following conversation during a viewing of The Order of the Phoenix should have come as no surprise to me.  Still, it brought the LOLs...

Me:  "Squeee!!!  Luna!  I love Luna!!!"

B-Ry: (Pausing & chuckling to himself) "That's probably because you are Luna.  The non-wizardy version anyway."

Strong is the force with that one.

Boiled shrimp, grilled shrimp, shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo...

I previously shared my work-Thanksgiving-luncheon-horror in this post.  Sometimes I still have to take a Silkwood shower to try and wash the Janie-memories off.  It doesn't help though.  Nothing helps... *shudder*

Now the Christmas party, well, that was a completely different debacle.  It was held one afternoon down in our food court area (which, on a normal day is pretty good).  There were tables set up with elaborate fruit and cheese displays, lovely ice sculptures, tables with breads, crackers, veggies and dips, tables with hot appetizers, a carving station and a vast dessert buffet.  None of that, however, could hold a candle to the main attraction.  I instantly wondered, what was on that table that was hardest to get to, the one that created a huge road block to the other buffets?  What exotic treats rested therein?  Foie gras?  Baked Alaska?  Petit fours made out of gold and garnished with Asscher-cut diamonds?  Pfft.  No, no, my friends.  I have two words for you: boiled shrimp.  Boiled. Shrimp.  And cocktail sauce.  People were throwing elbows and stepping on each other to pile their plates as high as the laws of physics allowed.  With boiled shrimp.  Here’s the bitch of it: this is Houston.  As in, the Houston that sits smack-ass on the Gulf of Mexico.  You can pretty much hop in your car, drive to the coast, stick your hand in the water and BOOM!  You have shrimp.  They’re like freakin’ pigeons around here.

Soon after all shrimp-hell broke loose, the food service staff caught on and instituted a lockdown that included mandatory “shrimp bouncers.”  Tiny women in hairnets and long aprons armed with tongs were standing guard, steadfastly monitoring the shrimp output.  Two shrimp per person, and GOD HELP YOU if you asked for more or tried to sneak back through with a different plate (oddly, they didn’t seem concerned with the people schlepping 5 or 6 cans of Diet Coke back to their offices- naturally, I found this to be the far more heinous act of depravity).

I headed for the dessert bar, since it appeared to be the least crowded (and least dangerous) aspect of the festivities.  A couple of cookies and a gorgeous slice of cake later, I was settled back in a corner, watching the shrimp shenanigans, fork poised ready to dig into my cake.  It was still frozen!  That's when I decided it was time for my exit (though I thoroughly enjoyed watching what I’m guessing would have been an anthropologist’s dream).  I remembered I had a Diet Coke in the fridge in the break room and some Jelly Bellies at my desk.  Hark!  'Twas truly a Festivus miracle!

Dante’s Tenth (and lesser-known) Circle of Hell

Whether or not you actually get along with your co-workers and supervisors many times dictates the level of gleeful anticipation and/or horrified dread in the approaching days, minutes, and hours leading up to a workplace holiday party.  Another deciding factor is the location- will the festivities be held at the gorgeous country club where, under normal circumstances you’d be hauled away for merely giving it a sideways glance?  A fabulous restaurant?  The office janitor’s closet?  The parking lot?  Finally, the main reason people come: the possibility of free food and sometimes, free booze.

Many, many years ago, I worked at a place that could be described as "klassy" at best.  The office Thanksgiving party was decidedly on the lower rungs of awesomeness.  The festivities occurred in our break room- not bad (not great, either).  The problem was a lack of real estate.  Everyone had a rough time comfortably and easily navigating with plates (wasn't really enough room to navigate sans plates, either).

After the lines died down, I made my way to the chafing dishes.  What culinary excitement awaited me?  Hmm.  Green salad?  Okay!  Lumpy sweet potatoes? No thanks.  Rolls?  Why not?  (Because they turned out to be like little rocks, that’s why not.  Damn near chipped a tooth…) Unidentifiable weird casserole?  Aughhh!  Someone kill it with fire!  Turkey?  Um, I guess.  (I discovered too late it was going to be drowned in salty gravy)  The best part, though, was being called out for not having a filled-enough plate by the  in-charge-type-person.  Nothing says holiday fun like management loudly berating you about your lunch choices in front of all your colleagues!  Especially if you have a long and storied history of food issues!  WHEEEEEE!

The best part, though- the marshmallows on my lumpy sweet potato casserole of a lunch, if you will- was what happened next.  As I was standing around chatting, a manager from a nearby department (we'll call her "Janie") was commenting on how many new people had joined the staff in recent weeks.  The following exchange is what took place shortly thereafter:

Janie: “I see lots of new faces!”  Staring intently at me, “You’re a new face!”

Me (looking around thinking she can’t possibly be talking to me): “I am?”

Janie: “Yes!  How long have you been with us now?!”

Me (yep, she’s definitely talking to me): “Three years.”

Janie: “Three years?!  Here?  Really?!  You have not been working here three years!  Really?!”

Me (wow…this is getting uncomfortable): “Yes, really.”

Janie (did I mention we had a sizeable audience?): “Well, your face is new to me!  I must not have ever run into you until now!”

Me: “Apparently not."

The thing about this conversation that made it so uncomfortable was not the fact that this woman didn’t recognize me.  What made this so uncomfortable- irritating, really- was the fact that I'd had basically the exact same conversation with this woman a year ago almost to the day.  Word for word.  A year ago.  The only real differences were a.) previously she asked me in the middle of a huge meeting as she was doing a presentation and b.) my response was two years.  I felt like this was becoming a holiday tradition for the two of us, Janie and me. It also didn't help that she and I exchanged quite a few emails and I visited her in her office on numerous occasions over the previous three years to discuss/drop off paperwork.  So, yeah.

The final insult?  I paid $2.00 for that.  I decided that the following year I was going to keep my two bucks and head over to Chick-Fil-A.  See, they knew me there (and couldn't care less what I was or wasn't eating).